


To Change

by LoviNek



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And lost, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, James don't want to be Bucky, James is confused, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Natasha is done with men's bullshit, Not Team!Cap Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sam is helping James, Steve is Not Helping, Tony is trying to be a good bro, and delisuional, and delusional, he tries to find himself, natasha wanna be a good bro too, sam is good bro, steve is not a good bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25246231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoviNek/pseuds/LoviNek
Summary: James didn't want to be Bucky. He wanted to be his own self, find his own self. Good he had people helping him with that, but Steve wasn't so happy to say goodbye to his Bucky. He was ready to do anything to have Bucky back. Shame not everyone agreed with him, especially James.Tony was ready to forgive and forget to those who were ready to apologize properly. And James was ready to apologize. Both of them were. Everyone knew when Tony adopted you as his you were in for good time. James was for in a lot of good surprises.
Relationships: Carol Danvers/James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Happy Hogan/Pepper Potts, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 12
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> when I started writing it I had a plan to make it short. Whelp, it didn't work.  
> So here we are with chapter stories.
> 
> Not team!Cap friendly, so you don't like it don't read it.  
> Otherwise, enjoy :)

The thing was, Bucky didn’t feel like Bucky at all.

That why Steve pissed him off every time he opened his big mouth and tried to make him _remember the good old days._ Bucky this, Bucky that, Bucky do you remember… Yes, he did, no he didn’t even feel like that memories were his. He just watched them, like a bystander, not really feeling anything to what was happening.

That was the whole thing, Bucky didn’t feel anything to that memories. Even his name didn’t feel like his own and he asked people to not use it, to call him James, but Steve didn’t understand. He was trying to be gentle and give him time and just be there, and James was so sick of him forcing him to be someone else. Sometimes he just wanted to scream: _you fought for me so hard, why you can’t understand this is what I am! Why can’t you accept me like this?!_

In the end he did nothing, too tired of confrontation and fights. He just wanted to be the one making decisions of his life now, the one to pick his friends, his foes, his favorite things without having everything thrust under his nose and being expected to just do what others wanted.

Maybe that why he liked the others Avengers more. The ones that didn’t know him. The ones that even if they started with glare and snark, now were friendly and he could be himself. At the beginning he didn’t think it would be even possible, not with how Steve was shadowing his every move, but with time he learned to go other way and compound AI helped too.

James didn’t understand why Steve didn’t like Tony that much. Almost his whole team didn’t like him… Almost was the key word. Sam stopped badmouthing genius in Wakanda when James was still in the freezer (Steve hated when he talked about cryo like that, but sometimes Steve can suck a dick). He read the Accords, then the amends Tony made and he understood and agreed with them. Then came the information that Tony made agreement in Berlin with higher-ups that they could make everything legal and Steve threw it away in his face without consulting Sam. He was pretty angry about it then, still was, James could see it easily. But then it was Sam’s fault, always blindly following Steve and Steve got used to it. Why ask about your opinion when you were expected to just follow. Yeah, not happening anymore.

And Scott, he was just… stupid. He was intelligent man, James knew, but he was naive, almost like a child and James just felt bad for him. And sorry Steve pulled him in the fight he didn’t need to be in. Or more Sam did it on Steve’s order and James knew that was another thing Sam was angry about it. Guilty too, he heard both of them talking and Sam apologizing, but apology won’t just fix everything.

But the rest of the team, James didn’t like that much. Steve just looked at him like James was someone else and waited for him to suddenly remember and just be Bucky, like James didn’t explained to him many times that not gonna happen. His therapist told him to stop just taking Steve’s word for everything and form his own opinions and look after himself first. James was sure Steve should have therapist too, but blond was stubborn and didn’t want to even hear about it at all. Clint was so angry all the time, angry at everyone for everything, spitting hate to everyone who was listening, but in the end he was the one mostly to blame for what happened to him. Why he even came, why Steve even called him when he was with his family, retired, James had no idea… No, he had… Adrenaline and feeling of being needed and important were powerful drugs.

Natalia… James remembered her. He remembered her as a little girl he needed to train, then as young woman he was working with. She was soft, warm memory with all the ice, murder and pain he went through. But she was just that, a memory. Natalia he looked at now was self absorbed woman with gigantic ego. He saw her government talk after mess in DC. She really thought she was so important and needed. Irreplaceable. She was good, that was true, but James remembered better Widows. Most of them dead now, Only Natalia managed to came to the other side like that. Looking for herself mostly all the time. How he picked Steve over Tony, James had no idea. She would be safe with Tony… Maybe she was angry she couldn’t read him fully, manipulate him just like she was manipulating Steve. Her loss.

He didn’t even want to think about Wanda. Steve’s sob story about misguided kid just made him want to almost vomit. Misguided kid his ass. He could remember her, remember people screaming he brought for her to train on. He was too important for Hydra to let her practice on him, even if it would mean his full submission without constant use of chair. He could remember her smiling, laughing when she destroyed people’s minds, leaving them drooling husks that were better dead than alive. He remembered killing them himself and bringing her new preys. He wanted to be sick… And she was walking around, pretending she never did it, that she was lied to and used, Steve even said she was just like James. Shame she couldn’t die and her brother to be alive, at least he was fun to be around, even if he was as crazy as her.

In the end he spend more time with younger Avengers, Peter, Harley and Kamala. He liked Riri too, but she liked spend of most her time in lab with Tony. If looking at that most of the younger ones liked spending time with Tony in lab, working on some of their own project or just doing homework. James liked spending time with them like that, everyone focused on something else, but together. He wasn’t part of that family, maybe someday, but not yet. So when they started gathering stuff to go for family dinner, James returned to his part of the Compound, where Steve and the rest were.

“You good?” Sam asked as he saw him walking in the kitchen they were using and James just nodded his head. “Just… Steve and Tony fought earlier today and he’s in bad mood. Just wanted to warn you.”

“Brilliant.” James sighed softly. “Where is he now? Gym?”

“Came back ten minutes ago, so I think he’s taking shower. If you are fast-”

“Bucky!”

James sighed and just sat at the counter, looking at Sam pleadingly. Airman grinned at him, before putting can of coke in front of him and moved to make more food for James too. They both knew it was better for James to look like he was there all the time, so Steve wouldn’t start pocking around. God, he was sneaking around like he was some kind of abuse victim, doing everything to not anger his abuser. His therapist wouldn’t like that if he tell him. When he tell him… that kind of things he should tell him.

“Bucky, I was looking for you earlier. Wanted to ask you if you wanted to spar maybe. Or get a dinner together. We were all thinking about ordering something and watching movie.” Steve said as he walked in, eyes zeroing on James, like there was no one else there.

“All?” James mouthed at Sam, who just shook his head. No, he wasn’t part of that conversation, so it were only Steve’s followers. He finally turned to look at Steve, face schooled in neutral expression, even if he felt just tired. “Sorry, but I already made plans with Sam about dinner.” he said and pointed at Sam, who was already cooking.

Steve blinked and followed his hand, like he didn’t see Sam earlier and maybe he didn’t. When Steve focused on one thing everything else disappeared. He smiled at Sam, before looking back to James. His brows furrowed as he zeroed on James’ face and James felt cold shiver run down his back. He saw Steve’s hand moving, touching his cheek, before coming back dirty with something dark. Oil from the workshop.

“Where were you earlier?” Steve asked, his voice completely neutral and blue eyes so focused James felt like he couldn’t move. “You never said where you usually disappear.”

“I don’t think it’s your business where I go in my free time.” James said finally, hands clenching in fists. His heart started pounding too and he hated how Steve made him feel. Like he was doing something he shouldn’t, like he was waiting for punishment.

“I am just worried about you, Bucky.” came words James fated, making him feel guilty instantly. Steve sacrificed so much for him, even when he didn’t like Steve that much, if not for him he may be dead or still have his conditioning, or… “People may take advantage of you when you don’t feel good and I just want to help. You’re my best friend, Buck. I would never leave you behind.”

 _But you did,_ James wanted to say, but stayed quiet. _You just care about the memory, not me._

“So, where were you today?” Steve asked again and James had no idea what to say. Lie, for sure, but what? His mind was fuzzy already, full of cotton and his mouth felt heavy.

“We were in garage, working on his bike.” Sam answered for him and James felt like he could take a breath finally. “I ended earlier, it was quite boring, but he just came back. I take you put it back together.”

“Of course.” James felt so grateful as he looked away from Steve to Sam, who looked so concerned. Thanks God for Sam. “Good as new.”

“That’s good you have hobby, Buck!” Steve grinned and clapped his shoulder. “So, Sam, if you are cooking, we could get all team here and-”

“Sorry, Steve, I just burned it all.” Sam sighed and threw all the food in the trash. James could see and smell it was burn, but Sam never burn anything. “James, you still own me dinner. Chinese?”

“Sounds good…” James answered, not understanding why he was even asked about it.

“Good, come on, we will get Scott too, he said he had talk with his daughter today.” Sam took his forearm and bodily pulled him toward exit.

“Or you could join team and…” started blond, but Sam was already shaking his head. God, Thank you for Sam.

“No can do, gossip time, Cap. Only my girls.”

“I’m not your girl, Wilson!” James protested with smile.

“Of course not, you are my bitch!” Sam grinned back, walking quickly toward Scott’s room.

When they knocked, Scott just took one look at them and let them in, quickly locking the door behind. Sam sat him down and only then James felt his hands, both of them, were shaking, which was weird, his metal arm shouldn't shake at all.

“Nerves.” Sam said gently, like he was answering his question. “You’re murmuring under your breath, idiot.”

“Oh.” James said, before he took slow breath and forced his body to calm down, his heart to stop pounding. “I’m okay.”

“That didn’t look like you are okay.” Scott came back with glass of water and James took it slowly. “That looked like anxiety attack. What happened?”

“Steve.” Sam didn’t need to say anything else. “We’re going out to get some food. You’re coming with us?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to eat alone again.” Scott nodded his head. “Where are we going?”

“Chinese.” James rubbed his face, before smiling. “Sam said we are his girls and it’s gossip time.”

“Fuck yeah, I love gossip time!” Scott grinned widely. “Let’s go then!”

James looked as Sam shook his head with fond smile and Scott got ready and he frowned at himself. He didn’t understand why he reacted like that, his body just doing what it wanted. There was nothing to be nervous around Steve. Yes, he pissed James off all the time and he didn’t listen, and he thought he was always right, but Steve was… Steve. He would never do anything to James. There was nothing to be worried about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how this one gonna go. I still don't really know if it will be 5 chapters or maybe more. I just kinda want James to see real Steve here and be happy. Can do it fast, but don't know yet.
> 
> Still not team!Cap friendly, don't like don't read

“You don’t look so good there, James.”

He looked up from the corner he was sitting in and tried to smile at Tony, but he was sure his face just made some kind of grimace. He didn’t have any power to pretend today.

“Hey… You got your therapy today? That why you are so pumped out? I usually am after mine.” he sat on the floor in front of him and smiled. “How about some hot chocolate? It always makes me feel better…”

James just shrugged, but Tony took it as affirmation and moved, walking toward kitchen next door. James could see him moving around from his spot in living room’s corner and kept his eyes on him. It was easier to focus on Tony, his mind empty from all the thoughts in that moment. It didn’t took long before Tony was back with two mugs of sweet smelling hot chocolate and James took one slowly.

“It should make you feel better.” Tony again said in front of him and slowly sipped from his mug. James could smell his has coffee in, but he wasn’t surprised. Tony drank coffee like it was water. “So… want to say what happened?”

“Steve…”

“Ah, right. That I can understand.”

James looked at him, brows furrowed. They never talked about Steve and how Steve behaved. James didn’t remember if Steve was like that when he was little, or maybe when he was little it was just so adorable. James’ memories were still in fragments and sometimes everything was just confusing.

“Yeah… he’s quite controlling, right?” Tony smiled softly. “He tried to control me too, but it was little harder with Jarvis and Pepper and Rhodey. I can’t say he didn’t succeed, Maximoff is still on the team…”

“He tried too?” James asked and saw Tony’s face change, few emotions showed and then disappear too quick for James to understand them. “I didn’t… he’s just trying to help, you know? He’s worried and tried to…”

“To get you on straight? Help you make right decisions?” Tony looked at him from over the edge of the mug, his eyes soft and sad. “It does sound familiar, right? He always said I got lost in my head and I needed to have someone to help me recognize left from right. Especially after Ultron. I was in such a low place it wasn’t hard for him to just barge and stay in my workshop. Him or anyone else, just to check if I am not making another _murder-bot.”_ He added with sad chuckle.

“I read the judge verdict and whole investigation about Ultron. It wasn’t your fault.” James shook his head quickly.

“It wasn’t _only_ mine fault… But Steve still thinks it was, the rest too. Doesn’t matter my program wasn’t even close to run, that Maximoff planted that vision in my head pushing me to do something, that Bruce helped and that Thor playing with his hammer made the power surge that acted as power button for Scepter to act. For him it’s only my fault.”

His brows furrowed and he shook his head, fingers tightening around the mug. James took slow sip, his body relaxing even more as he felt the warmth spreading over his body. Tony let him sit in silence for some time, mulling over genius’ words, his mind taking in new information. When he looked up, his mug was almost empty and Tony was working on something on his phone.

“Is he doing it to others too?” he finally asked quietly.

“… I think he has others in such awe of his person that he doesn’t need to do much.” Tony answered. “Captain America always was such a big name, big persona and I think Steve really feels like he is that person, even if most of that is just propaganda made after he crashed in ocean. I think he believes in that persona so much no one else even want to argue, because they believe it too. And Maximoff is using it to the fullest, playing little hurt girl.”

“She wasn’t… they didn’t made her do anything.”

“I know…” James’ eyes went big as he heard it. He thought no one knew the truth about Maximoff. “Yeah, I found files. I showed them to others, but Steve said she changed and told everyone not to read it. I bet Natasha read it, but then she has blood on her hands too, so it’s nothing weird for her.” Tony shrugged and James could only stare. “I told you they don’t listen to me…”

“That’s…” he started, before shook his head. “What should I do?”

“I don’t know… It’s not my place to tell you what to do. Just… try to decide what you want, not what Steve thinks you should want.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to know with how hard he tries to tell me how I was.”

“I know… I’m sorry…”

James just shook his head and smiled softly. He already felt better, maybe not as good to sleep, but better. Tony smiled back and collected his now empty mug before he left. James was glad genius found him and they talked, even if it only made some stuff more complicated as it answered some questions. Why it was so hard for him to just be and live his life.

  
  


  
  


When he finally went to bed, he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t big surprise, his therapist said so too. He had constant nightmares and if something just felt slightly off, he couldn’t relax. PTSD, it was called now. James was wondering if Steve had it too, but then he knew there was no way he would get to doctor if he could avoid it. It kind of made sense to James, he could slightly remember what his father would say about all the people not managing to do stuff themselves, but he was grateful for help. Some of the days he felt almost like actual person.

He couldn’t sleep and he was feeling restless, so staying in bed was a no. After few minutes of thinking what he wanted to do he got up, got dressed and left to gym. If he got tired enough he could get few hours of sleep before morning. It usually worked.

It would work even better if he weren’t so into his head and asked FRIDAY if gym was empty. But it was night, he was tired already, confused and not feeling mentally well, he completely forgot how to do things. So when he opened the door and saw Steve already going at the punching bag. There was no way for him to turn around and leave, he could see Steve already heard the door. He just sighed and prepared himself for another shouting match.

“Buck…?” he heard as he went to the weights. “Why are you not in bed?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” he answered as he prepared the weights, got on the bench start lifting.

“Need a spotter?”

Before he could answer, Steve was already coming closer and stood behind his head as he was working out. James closed his eyes for a second and just do his thing, trying not to get himself too worked out. It was quiet for few long minutes and James was almost happy there won’t be too much talking, maybe not even any.

“I wanted to apologize for earlier.”

 _That’s a first…_ James looked up, already feeling irritated and so, so tired. But he looked up to show he was listening, even if he didn’t want to. There was nowhere to run without making it oblivious he was running so he needed to stay where he was.

“I shouldn’t scream at you earlier.” Steve said finally. James could only lock his elbows and looked at him, waiting for the rest and slightly confused. “You just came from the therapy and I felt like you didn’t even want to spend any time with me and just ditched me all the time for Sam or disappeared somewhere. It just felt like you were ignoring me and I reacted hard.”

“Steve, it’s… You don’t listen to me sometimes…”

“I know, I know.” Steve grinned and James felt like someone slapped him in the face. “I can be stubborn sometimes, you always told me that in Brooklyn. But I am working on it. You can always help me with it too, you know, tell me when I behaved stupidly. Just like then.”

It felt so weird. So bizarre. James just blinked at Steve for few minutes, before he moved the weight on the bench and sat up. He had no idea what to do with it. With Steve looking at him with his big blue eyes full of happiness and hope and just… It just didn’t feel real.

“I’m tired…” he started, ready to start explaining, but Steve started moving, like he gave him opening to jump in and help. And maybe he did.

“I can understand. It was hard day for both of us. I am pretty tired myself, just feel better we could explain everything to each other. I just felt so bad making you angry earlier.” he grinned, but James didn’t have it in himself to answer the same way. “Come on then, let’s hit showers and then get to beds. We can train tomorrow together.”

He started walking to the showers and James just watched, still sitting on the bench. Is it really happened? Maybe he just exaggerated everything earlier, just made it for more than it really was. Steve always tried to be honest with him. He shouldn’t doubt him all that time.

“Are you coming?” he heard Steve’s voice and got up to follow, not really thinking about it. It was just easier to obey the suggestions sometimes when his mind felt like everything was too much. And right now he had no idea what was real and what was just his brain taking as too much stupidly.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Steve wasn’t giving him any free time and James just felt like screaming. He didn’t know who he wanted to scream at, or maybe at himself in the mirror, for his inability to put boundaries in place. But then no one had a problem with the ones he put, except Steve and his friends, but maybe he should be better about it. And Steve wanted to help. He was there always, ready to give him a hand and remind him where he was. Always. All day. Like he didn’t have anything better to do.

And James was hiding. Again. Going back to his ways from just after getting the triggers out, where everything was too much and he needed to be slow about getting new information, or his brain would hurt so much. Now he was just hiding to be alone, so he could make his own decisions, without Steve trying to help him with it.

His therapist would be so angry, but James didn’t want to think about it. Owen was amazing man, helping him slowly understand his own mind and how world worked now. Helped he was very gay and James was so surprised by it at the beginning that he just took in what he was told and nodded. It was big surprise that people could be openly gay and James promised himself he wouldn’t hide himself like he needed in the past and there he was… hiding again. Owen would gently, but very strongly tell him he was being an idiot and needed to be his own person. But it was hard when Steve was happily waiting for _his Bucky._

Owen sometimes talked about his family, his husband and kids and James liked to imagine something like that waited for him too. Family. Husband or wife and kids. Maybe when he get his head straight finally. But it wouldn’t work if he just went in circles and hide all the time and just let everyone walk over his progress and…

“You need company?”

James looked up and saw Peter looking at him from his spot on the ceiling and James didn’t know if he wanted to glare at the teenager or sigh. Before he could decide Peter dropped down in front of him and grinned.

“How did you find me?”

“It’s nice hiding spot not only you know about.” Peter sat next to him and James understood. They were shielded by the walls around, but had few options to run away from here if needed. And the view of the grounds around Compound was nice too. “I come here when I got overwhelmed with too much sound around. It’s usually quiet here.”

“So the wrappers here were yours?” James pointed at the small box hidden with some trash inside. Peter nodded, before pulling two bags of chips from somewhere and gave one to James. “...thanks.”

“Rogers looking everywhere for you.” Peter said as explanation as he started on his own snack. “Figured you went hiding, but thought you may appreciate some unbiased company.”

“… you’re little young to play therapist.”

“Maybe just friend? I don’t mind being your friend.”

James sighed and opened his own bag of chips, slowly eating it as he thought about it. Should he even say anything to a kid, burden him with problems?

“I don’t know how to explain to Steve I am not the one he wants.” he said finally. “I don’t want to be that person, can’t be and Steve is just… I can’t say he is pushing, but he hopes and tries to navigate me toward that person, helping me remember the past and remind me how I behaved and I feel like he doesn’t… he doesn’t see me.”

“Like he has expectations for you and you don’t meet them and you feel like failing?” Peter asked after a second, but didn’t look at James at all.

“You sound like it was familiar feeling to you.”

“Tony and Abby said I put too much things on myself without anyone’s words and then when I fuck up I blame myself.” Peter shrugged softly. “I have too high expectations for myself and treat it like other people gonna blame me if I won’t do it.”

“That’s… You’re too young to have that many responsibilities.”

“Yeah, but I have that powers and if just leave it and something happens I could stop, I would be at fault.”

James just looked at him for few seconds, before he put his hand on Peter’s head and ruffled his hair. He was greeted with surprised look and just smiled at the teenager.

“Thanks for putting things in perspective for me.” he said finally after few seconds, when Peter returned to his chips. “I still don’t really know what to do about it, but it feels just like you told it.”

“Maybe stop caring for what Steve is saying?” Peter mumbled, his mouth full of chips. He swallowed painfully and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I mean… MJ always says you need to take care of yourself, because others doesn’t have you first in mind. Mr. Start isn’t like that, but people usually think about themselves first. And I don’t know Steve that much, I… I can see he isn’t like Captain America I learned about, he’s just a man, so… you know, he thinks about himself. And this looks like that too, that he is thinking about himself changing you so you were closer to him and… do I even make sense?”

James chuckled as Peter stopped babbling and nodded his head. He chewed slowly thinking about what the kid just said, before he swallowed. Peter was already ending his bag and James gave his half to him, before he wiped his hands in his jeans and leaned back against the wall.

“Yeah, I… I can see it when you said it. I can even see it when it’s happening, but then everything is happening and he’s talking and looking at me and I… I just feel like I should listen to him. And he helps sometimes, less now than at the beginning, but he helped. I just can’t tell him to not help in the moment when he just starts. I feel like I loose words and…” He stopped, not knowing how to explain that hole in his brain that Steve was was filling faster than James could think about in the moment that was happening.

“Maybe you should have buffer.” Peter said between stuffing his face and James just blinked at him. Jesus, is no one feeding this kid at all? He ate faster than James and James doubted Tony let Peter starve.

“Buffer?”

“Yeah, like someone who will stop Steve so you can have time to think for yourself.” Peter shrugged and moved the bag up, just dumping the rest of the chips in his mouth and chewed obnoxiously. James just laughed at him softly.

“That’s… not a bad idea. I may think about it.”

Peter grinned widely at him, crumbs of chips stuck to his lips and chin, before his phone chimed softly. Peter fumbled with it, finally got it out and looked at the message he got.

“Mr. Stark says dinner is ready.” he said and moved to put both bags from chips in small trashcan he was using, and got up. Then he looked at James and arched a brow at him. “are you going? Your plate is ready too.”

James just laughed and stood up, walking after teenager, his body and heart feeling lighter than earlier. Peter got him few ideas and he just needed to talk to few people, ask for help.

… he never was good in asking for help.

  
  


  
  


  
  


“Bucky.”

“… Bucky?”

“Bucky!”

“Bucky…”

“Stop calling me that!!!”

Everyone was looking at him but he didn’t care. He had enough of Steve, of his help, his hovering, his advises. He couldn’t even stay in his room for few minutes without Steve barging inside and pulling him out to do something. And the way he was talking about the past, when James felt nothing toward it even if he remembered. It were just images he watched, nothing else and Steve was trying to make him be that person. James hated it all.

“Bucky? What’s going on?”

“I want you to stop calling me that. My name is James.”

“I knot it, but I always called you Bucky, remember? And you hated being called James.”

James felt like screaming as Steve just blinked innocently at him, still not understanding or even acknowledging what was told to him. He didn’t even know how to talk to him, what to tell him to make Steve understand finally. Nothing was working!

“Bucky, easy, just take a breath. You need to breath, Buck…”

Breathing was nice, but fucking hell, he couldn’t take a breath at all! His lungs weren’t working properly, his mind full of cotton and the only thing there was Steve’s face making him more and more frustrated the longer he looked at him. He wasn’t helping, James didn’t want him to help and it would be fucking nice to breath!

  
  


“Stay the hell back!”

Natasha had enough of this. She wanted to let Steve and James to take care of their problem, but this was going out of hand and it was all Steve’s fault. She didn’t want to get in it, in the end she helped Steve with whole _Civil War_ thing, let them go and in the end Steve fought and almost kill Tony. She felt bad about it, she considered Tony her friend, but she betrayed him and needed to pay for her mistakes. But staying out of it meant watching how Steve just cornered Barnes, mold him into his friend soldier without giving him any choice and it reminded her so much of the Red Room… She couldn’t stay away anymore.

Steve just looked at her, confused and surprised as she knelled next to James and pushed him away. With gentle hands she made him fold, push his head between his knees and focus on his own breathing as she talked to him gently. It worked now, as Steve was silent and giving time to James to calm down, so she looked at Sam and called him closer with small gesture.

“Can you take him to his room?” she asked gently and Sam just nodded before both of them pulled James up to his feet.

“Hey, I can do it!”

“You stay right here!” Natasha growled at Steve and turned to him as Sam and James slowly walked out of the room. He glared at her hard, but Natasha didn’t care at all. She just had enough.

“I think you are crossing the line now, Nat.” Steve said finally, arms crossed on his chest and his face screaming of displeasure. “I had it under control.”

“Under control… You pushed him in the panic attack and didn’t listen to the word he said.”

“He was just confused-”

“Shut up… Jesus, just…” She rubbed at her forehead, before glaring at him. “I have enough of you. Enough of you forcing your belief on him. Enough of you telling him what he should think, how he should behave, what he likes and doesn’t. Enough of you not listening to any word he says. Jesus, Steve, you fucking manipulative bastard!”

“I think you need some time off, Nat. I don’t like the way you speak right now.”

“And I don’t like your behavior.” Natasha glared back at him. “You need to stop doing it. Need to stop forcing yourself on James and finally accept he’s not who you want him to be.”

“It’s just because he can’t remember it clearly. But I am helping him remember himself.”

“He went through torture and dehumanization we can’t even imagine. Now we should help him find himself, not forcing him to be who you want. It’s not about you, Rogers! It’s about him and you are just taking it away from him!”

She just looked as Steve huffed, his brows furrowed in confusion and anger, but Natasha didn’t back away, stood her ground like she should last time. She finally saw the real Steve, the man who was just looking after himself, needing everyone to agree with him, otherwise he was pushing for his own believes. He didn’t want to see real world, he was just living in his own delusion and pushing that delusion on everyone.

“I am just trying to help…” he said finally and Natasha huffed at that.

“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers!” she wanted to laugh in his face. “You just want your precious Bucky back and you don’t fucking care about James. But Bucky is gone!” she took slow breath, trying to grip his emotions before they would rule her words. “He’s gone, Steve. James is not the same Bucky, just like you aren’t the same man you were in forties.”

“I still am that little guy from Brooklyn.”

“No, you aren’t Steve.” she could see some understanding in his eyes, but wasn’t sure if it would stick for longer than few hours. “You aren’t just a little guy from Brooklyn. You are super soldier and you behave like that. You know you are stronger than everyone else, you intimidate someone you fight with only your posture and you are stubborn. You need to start listening to others finally and accepting not everything will go as you want and others can be right and you can be wrong.”

“I feel like you are just picking on me now.”

“I am telling the truth and you are just ignoring my words again.”

He huffed and Natasha was almost sure everything just went in with one ear and out with the other. She just sighed and shook her head, feeling tired with his behavior.

“Stay away from James until he will look for you.” she finally said. “I mean it, Steve. Let him collect and find himself away from you.”

“But I want to be with and help him.” he stubbornly pushed forward, like Natasha didn’t say anything.

“You aren’t helping him. Stop bulldozing through his feelings.” she sighed again, before looking in his eyes. “I think you should meet therapist to talk about this problem.”

“I don’t need shrink. I am not crazy!” She just arched a brow at him, before turning around and walking toward exit. “Natasha, I didn’t stop talking!”

“I don’t care, Steve. I am done listening to you. Leave James alone!”

She walked out, not waiting for his answer. She was done and finally understood she needed to take care of her problems, not following Steve stupidly without questioning his choices. She had a lot to make up for and finally felt strong enough to start apologizing for her behavior.

  
  


  
  


  
  


“Pack your shit, we’re moving you to the East Wing.”

James looked up from his blanket burrito on the bed and blinked slowly as Tony just barged in his room. He didn’t want to move, he locked his door just as Sam left, but as always locks were only suggestions for Tony. But one word and he would leave, James knew. Not like Steve.

“… what?”

“You don’t feel comfortable living here, I know it, always knew, but now it’s time to move. You stood up your ground, Natasha told me everything, so you are ready to move away from Rogers’ clutches.”

He blinked again and slowly stood up, watching Tony go through his closet and just throwing things in the bag without care in the world. He winces seeing his folded clothes being just pushed in the bag and started moving to help. Tony’s face said he knew that would happen.

“Only me?” he asked several minutes later as he packed bag with clothes and started on some personal stuff.

“Yes. I don’t trust anyone else yet. Don’t worry, you can still see them, I just think you need your own space without fearing Rogers will just burst in.”

“And he won’t do it now?”

“He’s out with Maximoff. Something about lifting his mood with food. Like he was a victim here…”

James stopped for a second just to think about it. Steve tried to barge in earlier, but find the door locked and then Sam stopped him too. And it sounded nice, having safe, quiet space. He nodded his head and returned to packing. He felt more than saw Tony grinning at his back. Soon enough he was moving to the East Wing, two bags and box in his arms, Tony chatting next to him, feeling like he was coming out of the water and could finally breath. Things were looking better now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


“ _Bucky, where are you?”_

“ _Your room is empty. I came with food for you.”_

“ _You didn’t say anything you want to change rooms.”_

“ _No one wants to tell me anything. Bucky, where are you?”_

“ _FRIDAY just said you are safe and in another part of Compound, but I can’t find you. Answer me!”_

“ _Okay, I admit, we could end the thing differently. I should listen. I will stop calling you Bucky.”_

“ _I just wanted to help you, James. You are my friend. You were my Bucky for my whole life.”_

“ _James, please… Just talk to me. I feel so bad about it. I just wanted be close to you. I missed you so much.”_

“ _James, please.”_

“ _I need time. Stop texting me. I will text you when I am ready.”_

“ _Bucky, no, please!”_

“ _James. I’m sorry, please. Don’t do it. I am sure it’s all Tony’s influence on you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.”_

“ _If we could only talk face to face. I could explain and make you see the truth.”_

“ _James, please.”_

“ _ **The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please, try later.”**_

“ _Buck…”_

“ _ **The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please, try later.”**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally ended it. I tried so many times and after weeks I did it :) yay!  
> I am thinking about second part from Steve's point of view. I am not sure, so if anyone wanna read it, I would like to know :)  
> Hope you liked it :)


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